Picture by: Christina Morillo (from Pexel)
Early in my career, I did not have mentors, coaches, or sponsors to help me in my career development. I knew I had the work ethic, intelligence, and creativity it takes to succeed, but I didn’t know how to bring these qualities to bear in a valuable way that leaders would recognize. I thought I had to do it all on my own– I didn’t know that I needed guidance to grow or an environment to foster my creativity and develop my career.
Since starting my career at Customer Management Practice (CMP), I’ve had the good fortune of connecting with mentors in and out of the customer contact space. These mentors have been crucial in championing me and shining a spotlight on my strengths and accomplishments. They have helped me overcome the many challenges that I have faced in my career. My mentors push me to be my best self and to pursue my goals so that I can be a force for change (hashtag blessed).
Unfortunately, I’ve also had extremely bad mentors who made me rethink my life choices. Okay, that might be a bit dramatic, but in all fairness, some of my mentors did more harm than good. I know I’m not alone in this, because, shockingly, it’s not uncommon to come across a bad mentor.
This past June at our CCWomen Summit, a group of mentees shared their stories of less than stellar mentors who ultimately left them more disappointed and discouraged than supported and enlightened.
Mentorship, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “the influence, guidance, or direction given by a mentor.” Mentorship is known to help people develop personal and professional growth, and it is a great way to empower women in the workplace. A mentor figure can help better navigate challenges and find practical solutions to build your brand and excel in business opportunities. A mentor, coach, sponsor, or ally who can be your champion can help end gender disparities in corporations and help you, as a professional, be successful.
We frequently hear from mentors about ideal mentee characteristics or specific behaviors such as being enthusiastic, organized, and focused, embracing feedback while remaining honest and responsive. And, of course, mentees need to be proactive to build and foster relationships with their mentors.
However, we need to have a conversation about what mentees need from mentors. As a mentee, even if you have the ideal mentee characteristics or model behavior, sometimes the mentor falls short of delivering. Why is that?
Our mentorship panel at the CCWomen Summit in June featured all star women who have served or currently serve as both mentees and mentors. These women are:
Together we examined effective mentorships and discussed how mentors can be catalysts for change in the workplace. We specifically looked into what mentees wish their mentors knew when deciding to become mentors and vice versa.
Without further ado, here are the 5 lessons that Megan, Leigh, Maureen, and Sara learned.
1. If You Force It, It Ain’t Gonna Work
Work-appointed mentors can be a good starting point if you’ve never had a mentor. Mentor matching can be a good learning experience if you don’t know what to expect. However, like all relationships, professional or personal, it might not work out. Personally, if I am forced to do anything, I immediately don’t want anything to do with it– and my face is a dead giveaway since I tend to wear my feelings on my face. With forced mentorship, personalities can clash, goals and values may not be aligned, and office politics can get in the way.
Megan states that she looks at mentorship as a relationship, like any other relationship that she would have with a friend, a co-worker, or a family member. Mentorship is a unique organic relationship that shouldn't be forced. A successful mentoring relationship ensures that both people are entering into this relationship and meeting each other where they are.
Additionally, personally connecting with your mentee first can help this relationship flourish. If you make a connection with your mentee on a personal level first, you can discover who they are and perhaps find a common interest or value that can help you connect with them professionally.
Another important aspect of mentorship is to assess whether your mentee’s values align with your own values. If their values don’t align with yours, this relationship is not going to work and that's okay. But it’s powerful to know that it’s not a good fit, because then you will have a better idea of what sort of mentee would be a better fit for this unique relationship.
As a mentor, recognize your mentee’s values and goals. If your values and goals don’t align, don't try to change the person to fit into your box. Be the connector who can help them connect to others in your network who have the same values and goals as theirs.
If you feel that both parties need to force this unique relationship to work, it’s time to rethink your strategy and find a new mentee who better aligns with your values and goals.
2. Don’t Make Mentorship an Unrequited Love Story
As a mentor, you should be honored that someone recognized you as a role model and reached out to you for your guidance. As someone who once found outreach intimidating, I can’t tell you the amount of courage and confidence it takes for that initial outreach– the fear of rejection is huge. With the honor and recognition that comes with becoming someone’s mentor also comes great responsibility and self-awareness. You need to be in the right season to accept because you need to participate in this relationship as well. You have to set aside dedicated time in your schedule to prepare for meetings, and then times for the actual meetings to take place. You need to be excited, honest, and invested in your mentee and their progress. As much work it is for your mentee to follow your advice and guidance, work will fall on you too.
For Maureen, she was frustrated when she consistently requested meetings or advice and her mentor simply didn’t have the time for her. Rescheduling is fine, but when her mentor had to reschedule multiple times, it became increasingly clear that her mentor was not taking this as seriously as she was. When a mentor is unprepared, feelings of disappointment will also arise because it seems like the mentor is not interested or invested in the mentee. Mentees become dejected, and the whole idea behind having a mentor becomes a less than pleasant experience. Even if they want to find a new mentor, the mentee’s previous experience might make them hesitant to reach out to someone else because of the fear of rejection and disappointment.
A PSA to all potential mentors: if you don’t have the time, then just say no. It is okay to say no and give an explanation as to why right now is not the best time. Transparency is better than ignoring or ghosting someone who looks up to you.
3. Don’t Make Mentorship a Knowledge Dumpster Fire
There is a lot that mentees can learn from our mentors– I mean, that’s the whole point, right? However, Sara mentions that it's not always helpful when mentors dump all of their knowledge on you and try to change you into doing things their way. It eventually becomes a labored relationship.
Even if you are smart and successful and ready to share your secrets to success with the world, your advice is not helpful when none of this knowledge is relevant to your mentee’s current job or to their career development. It is important to introduce tools, skills, experiences, network, and a variety of different ideas; however, it has to make sense and it has to be appropriate and apply to the needs of your mentee.
When you start to share every single thing you know, the objective of the journey just doesn't click and it can all go downhill from there.
On the flipside, just because you're a mentor doesn't mean you have all the answers. You are just a person that this other person is coming to, and you're there to help them. If you as the mentor don’t know the answer, you can just say, “let me find out, let me help you learn, let me find someone who is knowledgeable in this topic.” This is preferred to just giving your mentee the wrong answer, or a haphazard answer, or just moving on entirely. That’s not how developing or learning should take place.
As a mentor, you hold the power of information. But that doesn’t mean that ALL of your knowledge is meaningful and applicable for your mentee. Ask and understand what your mentee needs guidance and clarity on and meet them where they need you.
There is a difference between being a fun person to hang out with and being a mentor. An unprepared yet fun drinking buddy can cause disconnect and lead to disappointment. Recognize that you are first a mentor who is there to help your mentee with their career development. After that, you can be a fun happy hour buddy. Leigh adds that her meetings with her unprepared drinking buddy aka her mentor felt like a waste of her time. She began to bail on their meetings because she didn’t think her mentor cared. I hate to point out the obvious but, as a mentor, you need to be interested and invested in your mentee and their progress.
Additionally, being a mentor is different from being a manager. Your relationship with your direct reports should look different from your relationship with your mentee. As a mentor, you need to wear different hats and sometimes there can be an overlap based on the appropriate time and place. But, in that moment of overlap, you need to be ready to flip the switch and provide feedback as either a manager or as a mentor.
5. Don’t Treat Mentorship Like a Checkbox
Being a mentor looks great on your resume. You can tell people that you are changing lives and developing leaders to shape the workforce of the future. However, mentorship is no easy feat. Good mentorship is time consuming and requires your undivided attention and dedication. It is not just a box you check off and then pat yourself on the back for a job well done. It might not seem like it all the time, but the stakes are very high.
A great mentor can be a catalyst for change in someone’s career development and become a core asset to the success of their mentee. A terrible mentor can do damage that takes years to undo.
Here are the 5 Do’s to Be a Great Mentor:Do you need help finding a mentor or a mentee? Let CCWomen help you make connections!